The Ultimate Christmas First XV

It's the most wonderful time of the year...except for some, it's the off-season. I saw an advertisement over the weekend stating that Santa Clause was a prop. This got me thinking if Santa is playing prop, who fills out the first row? So I hunkered down and reviewed every possible holiday movie from the classics to the obscure and I have what I believe to be the Ultimate Christmas First XV.

1. Loosehead Prop - Santa Claus

Santa Claus would be a tough match up to lineup across from, and we know the big guy spends all year training for one night of work and rewards himself with cookies and milk at every chance. Kind of like that one sneaky loosehead who seems to score that one magical try then returns to the scrum without anyone noticing.

2. Hooker - Harry Lyme

The Brooklyn born bandit who is always swearing under his breath and has a tendency to let his temper flare-up. Harry is the brains of the operation in the Home Alone series. A clever schemer with a short temper? That describes the majority of the humans that put on the #2 jersey.

3. Tighthead Prop - The Heat Miser


Mean, ill-tempered, grumpy and he hates Santa. He's doing the hard work while Santa is getting the glory. Ruler of the southern hemisphere, he hates winter sports, only supporting the warm weather because it's ideal for rugby.  He would probably only answer to the coach and the referee, but not without being fairly disgusted. 


4. Lock - Cousin Eddie

He's 6'5'' and full of nothing but rural whit and cowboy charm, he would keep the pack working no matter the situation. Did I also mention he has a metal plate in his head?

5. Lock - Buddy the Elf

Have you seen this guy put the star on the tree? That level of optimistic trust to get the job done is what we need in a line out. He's 6'3" and still getting used to the rules around the pitch. He can get the job done super quickly, but the trainer will need to have maple syrup on hand at all times. 

6. Blind Side Flanker - Howard Langston aka Turbo Man

Don't eat this guy's cookies! It's Arnold, but he's also Turbo Man, so he can handle the tackling and the line breaking we will need.

7. Open Side Flanker - George Bailey

The hero of American Christmas, George Bailey, he puts the team before himself and cares about getting the job done the right way. His brother fell through the ice and George went in after, reckless abandon to help out a mate. The "richest man in town" is my vote for captain too!

8. 8 Man - The Grinch

The only person we think would be a real pain in the ass for 80 minutes then sing with you at the social. The Grinch is mean, selfish, sly, cunning and manipulative, he only steals Christmas to prove a point, his best friend is his dog. That sounds like a good 8man to me.

9. Scrumhalf - Kevin McCallister

The youngest on our list, but he is wise for his age. Just like a good #9 he is crafty, mischievous, and can set a trap for the defense. We just hope the club doesn't leave him behind at the next away game!

10. Flyhalf - Rudolph

Rudolph is a straight-up misfit, but he wins the favor of his teammates when they realize he is an expert navigator and highly skilled at reindeer games.

11. Weak Side Wing - Ralphie Parker

A C+ student with only one thing on his mind, rugby...I mean an official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle, with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time. His obsession is like that of many ruggers. This dude doesn't want a football for Christmas, he knows what he wants and he's tired of not getting his way. Coach is going to give him a chance at wing because well...he keeps asking.

12. Inside Center - Ebenezer Scrooge

Every team has that one veteran who was miserable and means then gets a little more generous with the ball later in his career. If he can turn it around, there is hope for all of us.

13. Outside Center - John McClane

At first glance, he's probably just an average old school rugby player. He's friends with everyone on the team, collect the most penalties from the referee and gives the opposition a hard time any chance he gets. With his years of experience, he seems to have a very laid back approach to the game, until Saturday it's a full-on melee. Yippy Caye Ruggers!

14. Strong Side Wing - Clark Griswold AKA Sparky

Clark is going to be the wing with all the enthusiasm in the world but blows up when the ball never gets out. He just wants to get it right, and we are all rooting for him. However the two or three times we get him the ball he knocks on and has a nearly psychotic breakdown about how the pass was too flat. He'll still be at training next week because he loves the game and cannot stand to be at home with his family.

15. Fullback - Jack Skellington

Jack is a skeleton, so he is agile and light on his feet. Combine that with his seemingly graceful and patient demeanor and you have yourself one fine fullback. Even though he is technically dead you can count on him in the game and at the social.

Substitutes
16. Frosty the Snowman

17. Yukon Cornelius

18. Jack Frost

19. Krampus

20. Bob Cratchit

21. Gus Polinski the Polka King of the Midwest

22. Marv Merchants

23. Tiny Tim

From The Hoosier Prop, I sincerely hope all my rugby friends and family have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!